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Hey, Raising Humans Crew!
You've said it a thousand times.
"You're so smart." "You're amazing." "Great job!"
It rolls off the tongue because it feels like the right thing to do, like you're building your child up, brick by brick, into someone who believes in themselves.
But what if some of that praise is quietly doing the opposite?
Decades of research in developmental psychology have uncovered something that stops most parents cold: the type of praise you give your child doesn't just affect how they feel in the moment.
It shapes how they think about themselves, how they respond to failure, and whether they grow up driven by genuine curiosity or by the need to keep earning approval.
This week, we're going past the "growth mindset" bumper sticker and into the actual science. What kinds of praise build resilient, motivated kids? What kinds quietly undermine them? And what do you say instead when you want your child to feel genuinely seen?
The answers might surprise you.
Also in this edition:
Survey Says: We asked, you answered! Here's what parents really think about last week's big question.
🧠 The Think Tank: Cast your vote in this week’s poll!
THE SMARTNESS TRAP: Why "You're So Smart" Can Backfire in a Big Way
In the late 1990s, psychologist Carol Dweck and her colleague Claudia Mueller ran a now-famous experiment at Columbia University.
They gave 400 fifth-graders a moderately challenging puzzle. Almost all of them did well.
Then the researchers split the kids into two groups and offered praise: one group was told, "Wow, you must be really smart," and the other was told, "Wow, you must have worked really hard."
What came next changed how we think about praise forever.
Both groups were then offered a choice: try a harder puzzle and risk getting some wrong, or do an easier puzzle they'd likely ace. A striking 67 percent of the kids praised for effort chose the harder challenge. But the majority of kids praised for being smart chose the easy one.
They had something to protect now. A reputation. An identity.
Getting answers wrong would threaten it.
It didn't stop there. When both groups were eventually given a difficult puzzle that almost no one could solve, the "smart" kids fell apart. They reported less enjoyment, showed less persistence, and when later given an easier puzzle, performed significantly worse than before the hard one.
The kids praised for effort? Their scores actually improved after struggling.
This is the smartness trap. When you praise a child's intelligence, you're accidentally teaching them that intelligence is something you either have or you don't. Something fixed.
So when they hit a hard problem, their brain whispers: Maybe I'm not actually as smart as they said.
The stakes become enormous. Avoiding failure becomes more important than learning.
So what should you say instead?
The research is consistent: praise the process. Not just "you worked hard," but be specific.
"I noticed you tried three different strategies before that one clicked."
"You stuck with that even when it got frustrating."
"The way you approached that problem from a different angle was really clever."
Process-based praise points children toward the behaviors and strategies they can control and repeat, rather than a trait they feel they either possess or have lost.
One more nuance worth knowing: effort praise works best when the effort is real. Praising a child for "working so hard" on something that came easily to them sends a confusing message, one we'll unpack in the next section.
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THE GOLDILOCKS PROBLEM WITH PRAISE: How Much Is Too Much?
Here's a scenario a lot of parents recognize. Your child brings home a perfectly average drawing. You burst into praise: "Oh my goodness, this is incredible! You are such an amazing artist!"
Your child beams. You feel like a good parent. Everyone's happy.
Until the next drawing class. When your child freezes up, refuses to try, or breaks down at the first imperfect line.
Research out of Stanford and the University of Amsterdam has found something counterintuitive: children who receive inflated praise for ordinary work become less likely to seek out challenges.
Not more.
The reason is surprisingly logical. If a perfectly normal drawing earns "incredible," what does a mediocre one earn?
And how do you top "incredible"? The ceiling has been set too low and too high at the same time. The bar seems impossible to reach again, and easy enough to fall off of.
Psychologist Eddie Brummelman, who led key studies on this, found that parents tend to give inflated praise most often to children with low self-esteem, seemingly trying to boost their confidence. But in children who already feel fragile, inflated praise actually backfires most sharply.
It raises the stakes. It tells the child: I'm only worthy of love when I produce something extraordinary.
So they stop taking risks. They stop trying new things. They stick to what they know they can do well.
What's the right amount of praise?
Specific, accurate, and proportionate. If something is genuinely impressive, say so and explain why. If your child did something ordinary but tried hard, acknowledge the effort without overstating the outcome.
"You kept at that for a really long time. I could see you getting frustrated, and you pushed through anyway." lands differently than "You're a genius!" -- and it teaches the child something true about themselves.
The goal is to praise in a way that a child could verify if they thought carefully about it. That kind of praise builds trust. And trust, over time, builds real confidence.
WHAT KIDS ACTUALLY HEAR: The Gap Between the Praise You Give and the Message They Receive
Parents are often stunned to learn that children as young as seven begin to interpret certain kinds of praise as a signal that an adult has low expectations for them.
In a series of telling studies, researchers presented children with scenarios in which a teacher effusively praised a student after a mediocre performance.
By middle childhood, kids consistently interpreted excessive or unsolicited praise as a sign that the teacher believed the student wasn't very capable.
The logic, in a child's mind, is surprisingly astute: Why would they make such a big deal out of something small unless they thought small was the best I could do?
This matters enormously during the school years.
A teacher who praises a struggling reader with "Wonderful job! You're doing great!" may be trying to encourage. But the child may be receiving the message: "Even you know I can't really read well."
Praise delivered with lowered standards is detected. And it stings in a particular way, because it combines the appearance of kindness with a quiet vote of no-confidence.
There's also the question of unsolicited praise versus responsive praise.
When adults shower children with compliments unprompted, it can feel evaluative and surveillance-like to children. When praise comes as a natural response to something the child was already engaged in, it reinforces their own interest.
"You've been working on that for an hour. What's making you keep going?" is often more motivating than "You're so focused! I'm so proud of you!" because it invites the child into their own internal experience rather than positioning the adult as the judge.
A few shifts worth trying:
Say less, and mean it more.
Ask more questions about your child's own sense of their work: "Are you happy with how that turned out?" "What part was hardest?" "What would you do differently?" This moves the locus of evaluation from you to them, which is exactly where it needs to land if you want them to grow up with genuine internal drive.
Notice effort and strategy out loud without attaching a verdict.
"You tried it a completely different way the second time" is an observation. "That was brilliant" is a judgment. Observations invite children to notice and repeat their own good instincts. Judgments make them dependent on yours.
And when your child does something that genuinely moves you?
Tell them. Specifically. Authentically. The goal isn't to become a praise-withholder. It's to make the praise you give actually mean something.
Last week, we asked: When your kids argue with each other, what is your default response?
Here’s how you voted:
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 29% ✅ I step in pretty quickly. I do not like conflict in my house.
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 29% ✅ I give it a minute, but I usually end up getting involved.
🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️ 14% ✅ I coach from a distance but let them work it out.
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 29% ✅ I mostly stay out of it unless things escalate.
What stood out most from this poll is how split parents are on when to step in. Some parents feel an instinct to intervene quickly, while others try to hold back and let kids navigate disagreements on their own.
Both reactions are completely understandable.
Conflict between kids can feel loud, emotional, and exhausting, especially when it happens over and over again. Many parents shared that the real challenge is not deciding whether conflict will happen. It will. The challenge is figuring out how much guidance kids need in the moment.
One of our Raising Humans readers, Stacey, captured this feeling perfectly:
“I apparently didn’t learn to deal with conflict well because I find it incredibly stressful and taxing. I have two older kids who are close in age, teens, and two younger who are also close in age and under 12. The power dynamics tend to be the main source of contention and I don’t know how to deal with it. Thanks for the article, it’s just what I needed this week!”
Stacey’s experience resonated with many parents in our community. When kids are close in age, power dynamics can shift constantly. One child may dominate in one moment and feel frustrated in the next.
What makes this even harder is that for many adults, it can trigger our own stress response!
The encouraging part is that sibling conflict, while uncomfortable, is also one of the best places kids learn important life skills like negotiation, empathy, and communication. Parents do not have to solve every disagreement. Often the most helpful role is guiding the conversation with questions like, “What happened from your perspective?” or “What would feel fair here?” Over time, kids begin to build those problem solving muscles on their own. Sometimes the goal is not to eliminate conflict entirely, but to help kids learn how to move through it a little better each time.
We’re asking parents like you to share their thoughts on topics that matter each week! Cast your vote and see what others think! We’ll chat more about the results next week. 👀
When it comes to praise, which do you find hardest to do consistently?
Thinkster Math: Most math apps hand out stars for right answers and call it motivation. Thinkster is built differently. Kids earn coins for positive learning behaviors, not just correct answers, which means showing your work, staying persistent, and building good habits all count. Behind the scenes, patented AI reviews every worksheet and continuously adjusts each child's learning plan so they're always working at exactly the right level. And where it really shines: the human coach. During 1:1 sessions, your child's coach delivers the kind of specific, process-focused encouragement that research shows actually builds intrinsic motivation.
"The Growth Mindset Coach" by Annie Brock and Heather Hundley (book): Don't let the buzzword in the title put you off. This is a genuinely practical, classroom-tested guide that gives parents and educators specific language and activities for building process-focused feedback habits. Much more actionable than most books in this space.
“NurtureShock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (book): If this newsletter sparked your curiosity and you want to go deeper, this is the book. Chapter 1 covers the praise research in accessible, narrative detail. It remains one of the most important books written about the science of raising kids, and it reads like a page-turner.
Until Next Week…
Praise is one of the most powerful tools you have. Used well, it tells your child what to pay attention to, what's worth repeating, and that the adults around them are truly watching. Used carelessly, it can quietly teach them that their worth is conditional and that avoiding failure matters more than chasing growth.
None of this means you should become stingy with warmth or withhold celebration. It means making your praise specific enough to be useful, honest enough to be trusted, and focused enough on process that it actually teaches your child something true about how to succeed.
Small shifts in what you say can have a long tail. Your kids are listening more carefully than you know.
Thanks for joining us in raising kind, capable, and confident humans. We’re so glad you’re here.
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