The Case for Stepping Back (So They Can Step Up)

June 18, 2025

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Hey, Raising Humans Crew!

It’s tempting to want to smooth the path for our kids — to jump in when they’re frustrated, help when they fumble, or avoid tough moments altogether.

But the truth is, every time we rescue them from a challenge, we rob them of a powerful opportunity to build confidence, resilience, and self-belief.

This week, we’re connecting the dots between two powerful ideas:

  • How math struggles build emotional strength

  • How small moments of independence raise capable, confident kids

Let’s lean into the idea that struggle isn’t the enemy — it’s the training ground for thriving.

Also in this edition:

The Confidence Shortcut? Let Them Struggle.

There’s a moment most parents know all too well.

Your child is sitting at the kitchen table, pencil in hand, staring down at a math problem that seems impossible to them.

They sigh.

They fidget.

They might even throw their pencil across the room.

Then comes the sentence that makes your heart tighten: “I can’t do this.”

And if you’re like most parents, your instinct kicks in immediately. You want to help. You want to soothe their frustration, jump in with a helpful tip, or even solve the problem yourself to make the stress disappear… for them and you.

But here’s the truth: those hard moments, the ones filled with tension and struggle, are some of the most powerful opportunities your child will ever have to grow.

When a child is working through a challenge—especially one like a tricky math problem—they’re developing much more than academic skills.

They’re learning how to sit with discomfort. 

They’re learning how to stay in the game even when something doesn’t come easily.

They’re learning to try, fail, and try again.

We often think confidence comes from success, from getting the right answer or being told we’re smart. But true confidence? The kind that lasts? That’s built when a child learns they can face something hard, struggle through it, and come out on the other side.

In that space between confusion and understanding, they’re developing emotional muscles. They’re learning how to tolerate frustration without shutting down. They’re seeing that making a mistake doesn’t mean they’ve failed—it means they’re learning.

They’re figuring out how to manage their emotions, slow down, and approach a problem from a different angle. They’re building the belief that their abilities aren’t fixed, but can grow with effort and time.

And perhaps most importantly, they’re learning to trust themselves.

This kind of resilience doesn’t come from stepping in quickly or making things easier. It comes from us staying close, offering calm support, and giving our kids the space to wrestle with something challenging. It comes from saying things like, “I know this is hard, but I believe you can figure it out,” instead of, “Let me just show you.”

Of course, letting our kids struggle isn’t easy. It can feel uncomfortable, even painful, to watch them flounder. But if we can reframe struggle as a form of strength training—as a workout for their brain and heart—it becomes something to support, not avoid.

The next time your child says, “I can’t do this,” try to pause before you jump in. Remind yourself that they don’t need the right answer right now. What they need is the experience of wrestling with something hard and discovering, in their own time, that they can do it.

Because confidence isn’t handed to them.

It’s something they build—one challenge, one mistake, one small victory at a time.

Outsmart college costs

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5 Ways Parents Accidentally Create Dependence

Most parents want the same thing: to raise confident, independent kids who can think for themselves, solve problems, and navigate life with resilience.

But sometimes, without even realizing it, our well-meaning actions send the opposite message. We swoop in, smooth the path, and unintentionally tell our children, “You can’t handle this without me.”

It doesn’t come from a place of mistrust. It comes from love. From wanting to help. From the natural urge to protect. But the result? Kids who rely on us more than they rely on themselves.

Here are five common ways we accidentally create dependence, and simple shifts that help our kids build capability instead.

1. Jumping in too quickly.
When our kids struggle — whether with homework, a forgotten backpack, or a sibling conflict — our reflex is often to step in and solve it. We want to fix the problem, reduce the stress, and make things easier. But if we always jump in at the first sign of difficulty, we rob them of the chance to problem-solve.

Try this instead: Pause. Take a breath. Then ask, “What have you tried so far?” or “What do you think your options are?” You’re still supporting them — but in a way that builds confidence instead of dependence.

2. Doing things they can do themselves.
Tying shoes. Packing lunches. Cleaning up messes. These everyday tasks offer valuable opportunities for kids to develop competence. But when we habitually do things for them — especially when they’re fully capable — we reinforce the idea that they aren’t capable at all.

Try this instead: Offer guidance when needed, then step back. Let it be imperfect. Let them learn. The goal isn’t speed or neatness — it’s growth.

3. Making every decision.
From what to wear to how to spend their free time, kids are often told exactly what to do, all day long. While structure and routines are important, so is practicing decision-making. Children who never get to choose may grow up looking to others for answers instead of trusting their own judgment.

Try this instead: Start small. Offer two choices: “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?” Over time, expand the decisions they get to make — and let them feel the responsibility that comes with it.

4. Protecting them from natural consequences.
It’s hard to watch our kids face disappointment. But when we constantly shield them from small failures — like forgetting their homework or losing a toy they left outside — we miss powerful teaching moments. Experiencing consequences in a safe, supportive environment helps children develop accountability and emotional regulation.

Try this instead: Resist the urge to rescue. Let the natural consequence unfold, and be there afterward to reflect with empathy and curiosity. “How did that feel? What might you do differently next time?”

5. Prioritizing obedience over capability.
It’s easy to fall into the pattern of expecting compliance — do what you’re told, follow the rules, stay on task. But too much focus on obedience can train kids to seek approval rather than develop internal motivation or independent thinking.

Try this instead: Invite input. Ask for their reasoning. Praise effort, curiosity, and thoughtful decision-making more than perfect behavior. You’re helping your child become a self-directed thinker — not just a rule-follower.

What to Say When They Say “I Can’t”

You’re in the middle of making dinner when you hear it.

From the living room or the kitchen table or the hallway where shoes are half-on and tears are welling up…"I can't do this!"

It’s a phrase that tugs at something deep inside us as parents. It stirs our urge to help, to step in, to make things okay again.

And sure, sometimes they’re just tired or need a break. But often, what they’re really saying is:

“This feels hard.”
“I don’t want to get it wrong.”
“I’m afraid to try and fail.”

That’s when our words matter most — not to fix the problem, but to hold space for the struggle. To offer support that doesn’t steal the learning moment.

Instead of swooping in with the solution, try meeting them where they are with gentle curiosity and confidence in their ability to figure it out. Here are a few phrases that can help:

“Hmm… what’s your next move?”
This question invites your child to pause, reflect, and re-engage with the problem. It communicates that you believe in their ability to come up with a plan — even if it takes a few tries.

“It’s okay to be stuck. That’s how learning starts.”
This is a powerful reminder that being stuck isn’t a sign of failure — it’s part of the process. Normalize the discomfort of learning. Everyone — even adults — hits roadblocks.

“You don’t have to get it right. You just have to try.”
Perfectionism can paralyze kids. This phrase shifts the focus away from the end result and toward the value of effort. It tells them that trying is succeeding.

“I’m here if you need a thinking buddy.”
You’re not abandoning them. You’re offering partnership — not answers. This keeps the ownership in their hands while letting them know they’re not alone.

These kinds of phrases are small, but they’re mighty. They send the message that struggle is safe, that effort is respected, and that failure isn’t the end — it’s the beginning of growth.

And over time, when “I can’t” starts to bubble up, your child might pause… remember your words… and try again.

Not because you fixed it.

But because you believed they could.

Last week, we asked: What’s your biggest worry about your child’s future career path?

The top two concerns were tied:

  • That your child won’t find meaningful work

  • That your child will follow a path that no longer exists

Interestingly, none of the votes pointed to fears about technology replacing careers or a lack of planning — a reminder that our Raising Humans families are already thinking ahead and focused on helping their children discover a future in which they can thrive.

We’re asking parents like you to share their thoughts on topics that matter each week! Cast your vote and see what others think! We’ll chat more about the results next week. 👀

What’s one thing you wish your parents had taught you — that you’re determined to teach your child?

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A series and storytelling platform that brings kids stories about courage, kindness, perseverance, and a growth mindset. Perfect for sparking meaningful conversations at the dinner table or on car rides.

A conversational board game designed to encourage open, honest communication within families. It helps kids and parents explore feelings, tackle challenges, and build empathy through guided questions, making tough conversations easier and strengthening family bonds.

Thinkster isn’t just about math — it’s about helping your child feel capable, resilient, and proud of what they can do. With 1:1 coaching, personalized learning plans, and instant feedback, Thinkster helps kids tackle challenges, learn from mistakes, and see progress they can feel.

Because confidence doesn’t come from getting every answer right — it comes from knowing they can figure it out.

Until Next Week…

Let’s normalize struggle — not as something to avoid, but as something that builds strength, confidence, and capability. Whether it’s math or making their own breakfast, every challenge is a step toward raising an independent, resilient human.

Thanks for joining us in raising kind, capable, and confident humans. We’re so glad you’re here.

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