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If you’ve ever heard a child yell, “That’s not fair!” you know how quickly that phrase can stop a parent in their tracks. Whether it’s about bedtime, dessert portions, or who got the bigger slice of attention, “fair” can feel like a moving target.
This week, we’re unpacking what fairness really means and how to help kids see that fair isn’t always equal.
Understanding fairness builds empathy, social awareness, and perspective. And during a season filled with sharing, gifts, and group activities, it’s the perfect moment to help your child learn this powerful lesson.
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The Fairness Trap
It usually starts with something small.
You hand your kids two bowls of popcorn, and one immediately protests, “Hey, she got more than me!” You adjust the bowls to make peace, but it happens again soon.
“That’s not fair!”
It’s tempting to fix the problem by making things equal, but what your child is really learning in that moment is how to define fairness.
And for most kids, fair means the same.
That belief makes sense early on. Childhood is full of rules meant to create order: take turns, share toys, and go to bed at the same time. But as kids grow, sameness starts to feel confusing. One child might stay up later, another might get extra help with homework, or one might need a little more attention after a hard day.
Suddenly, equal isn’t fair anymore, because fairness isn’t about things being identical. It’s about meeting each person’s needs.
When your child cries, “That’s not fair!” what they’re often really saying is, “I don’t understand why things are different.”
That’s your moment to teach perspective.
Try asking:
“What makes this feel unfair to you?”
“Can you think of a time when you got something different because you needed it?”
These questions shift the focus from comparison to understanding.
You can also model fairness in daily life. Point out when others get what they need… like a classmate getting extra help on an assignment or a teammate practicing more to build a new skill. Fairness means supporting others based on their circumstances, not keeping score.
When kids see fairness as empathy instead of equality, they grow into better friends, teammates, and siblings. So next time that familiar protest echoes through your house, pause before you fix it. You might be teaching one of life’s most important lessons.
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Siblings 101
If you have more than one child, you know that fairness takes on a life of its own.
Siblings have a radar for inequality that rivals the most precise measuring tools. They notice who got more cereal, who picked the last movie, who sat in the front seat, and who got praised first. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s frustrating, and sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, someone feels shortchanged.
But these “That’s not fair!” moments between siblings are powerful teaching opportunities. They help kids learn how to share space, respect differences, and develop empathy… skills that shape how they’ll handle relationships later in life.
The key is to make fairness feel understood, not forced.
Here are a few ways to make that happen:
Name the difference and explain the why. Kids crave reasoning. Instead of just saying, “Because I said so,” try, “Your brother stays up later because he’s older and has more schoolwork. You’ll get that privilege too when you’re his age.” When kids understand the logic, they’re less likely to see favoritism.
Rotate privileges instead of equalizing everything. Fair doesn’t mean every child gets the same thing all the time. One night, one child picks the movie; next time, it’s the other’s turn. This teaches patience and the idea that fairness can balance out over time, not in every single moment.
Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving. When a child feels overlooked, start with empathy. “It sounds like you feel left out. That makes sense, I would feel that way too.” Validation helps calm emotions so reasoning can follow.
Celebrate individuality. Remind kids that each person’s needs, strengths, and challenges are unique. “Your sister gets extra help with reading because that’s her learning goal right now. You’re working on math, so we support you differently.”
Fairness in families isn’t about keeping score. It’s about teaching kids to understand that love, attention, and opportunity may look different but hold equal value.
When children see that differences don’t mean favoritism, they begin to develop a deeper trust in you and in the idea that everyone’s needs matter.
Teaching Perspective in Everyday Life
Fairness doesn’t just live in sibling disputes. It’s something kids encounter everywhere: in classrooms, on teams, at playdates, even scrolling online.
Teaching perspective helps them interpret those experiences in a way that builds empathy instead of resentment.
Perspective-taking is the skill of seeing through someone else’s eyes.
For kids, that starts small.
You can nurture it with simple, everyday moments:
During story time: Ask, “Was that fair for the character? Why or why not?” or “What could the other person have been feeling in that moment?” Books and shows are safe, imaginative ways to explore fairness and empathy without personal stakes.
In real life: When your child points out a situation that feels “unfair,” dig deeper. “What do you think might be going on for them?” or “Could there be something we don’t know?” These questions help kids practice curiosity instead of judgment.
When they face setbacks: If your child doesn’t get the part in the school play or loses a game, acknowledge the disappointment, then guide reflection. “It feels tough not to be chosen, but can you think of how the teacher or coach made their decision? What can you control next time?”
Perspective helps kids understand context… that decisions and outcomes are shaped by needs, effort, and circumstance. It’s a foundation for empathy and resilience, helping them see that fairness often depends on what’s needed most, not what’s handed out equally.
You can also model this mindset by narrating your own thinking. “I gave Grandma more help today because she wasn’t feeling well,” or “I’m letting your brother have extra screen time since his project is due.”
When kids hear the reasoning behind choices, they start internalizing that fairness is thoughtful, not automatic.
Over time, these small lessons help raise children who don’t just seek fairness for themselves but create it for others… kids who pause, ask questions, and strive to understand before reacting.
And that’s the kind of perspective that carries far beyond childhood.
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Last week, we asked: Which phrase best captures how you approach habits with your kids?
Here’s how you voted:
🟧 “Try it, tweak it, try again.” — 55%
🟩 “Start small and stay steady.” — 27%
🟦 “Celebrate every small win.” — 18%
🟨 “Focus on what matters most.” — 0%
We loved seeing that so many parents embrace progress over perfection.
Most of you see habits as something to experiment with, adjust, and grow from… a mindset that teaches kids flexibility and resilience.
Starting small and celebrating the little wins came in next, reminding us that habits aren’t built overnight. Whether your child is learning to stay organized, practice daily reading, or handle chores without reminders, steady consistency and encouragement go a long way.
This week’s takeaway: habits that stick often start with grace and curiosity, not pressure. Keep tweaking, trying, and cheering on the effort. It’s what turns daily routines into lifelong strengths.
We’re asking parents like you to share their thoughts on topics that matter each week! Cast your vote and see what others think! We’ll chat more about the results next week. 👀
When your child says, “That’s not fair!” what’s your first instinct?
GoZen Videos 👉 https://gozen.com
Short animated lessons that help kids understand emotions, fairness, and how others feel in different situations. Great for ages 6–12.
PBS Kids “Arthur” Videos 👉 https://pbskids.org/arthur
“Arthur” has timeless episodes about fairness, jealousy, and perspective-taking. Stream on PBS Kids or YouTube and chat afterward about what was (and wasn’t) fair.
Wonder Media 👉 https://www.wonder.media/
Wonder Media creates thoughtful animated stories that help kids and teens build empathy, resilience, and emotional awareness. Their videos turn real-life challenges into teachable moments, giving families tools to talk about feelings, fairness, and social skills in a relatable way.
Until Next Week…
Fairness is one of the hardest lessons for kids to grasp, and one of the most important for shaping character.
Each time we show that “fair” means meeting needs, not counting portions, we raise humans who look beyond themselves and see the world with empathy.
Thanks for joining us in raising kind, capable, and confident humans. We’re so glad you’re here.
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