“I Don’t Know” Isn’t the Real Answer

Why Kids Default to “I Don’t Know”

Maybe it’s after school, or in the car on the way home from practice. You ask your child a simple question about their day, and they give you the classic three-word answer: “I don’t know.”

It can be frustrating, especially when you really want to understand what’s going on.

But “I don’t know” often isn’t a sign that your child doesn’t care. More often, it’s a signal that something is happening beneath the surface.

Sometimes, it’s because they have a limited emotional vocabulary. They can feel their heart race or their stomach sink, but they don’t have the words to say “I feel anxious” or “I’m disappointed.” So “I don’t know” becomes their stand-in.

Other times, it’s fear of judgment. They may wonder, If I tell you the truth, will you be upset? Will you think I’m wrong? And so they choose the safest response possible — one that protects them from a reaction they’re not sure they can handle.

And sometimes, they simply need more time. You might be ready for answers now, but they’re still piecing together what happened and how they feel about it.

The key isn’t to ban “I don’t know,” but to treat it as a starting point… an opening to explore what’s really going on and to guide your child toward words they don’t yet have.

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Teaching Emotional Vocabulary at Home

Helping your child name their emotions isn’t about memorizing a long list of feelings. It’s about weaving emotional language into everyday life so it becomes second nature.

1. Model it in real time
The easiest place to start is with yourself. When something happens, narrate your own emotions out loud:

• “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed because I have a lot on my plate today.”

• “I feel proud because I finished that project I’ve been working on.”

This shows your child that emotions are normal, and that it’s okay to talk about them openly.

2. Play “Name That Feeling” in stories & media
Whether you’re reading a bedtime story, watching a movie, or seeing something happen in public, pause and ask:

• “How do you think she feels right now? What makes you think that?”

• “If that happened to you, what word would you use to describe your feeling?”

This helps kids learn to link situations with emotional words in a safe, no-pressure way.

3. Use a “feelings menu”
Post a chart, wheel, or color-coded list of emotions somewhere visible, like on the fridge, a bedroom door, or a homework space. Instead of “good” or “bad,” they can point to more precise options like curious, frustrated, hopeful, or disappointed. Over time, they’ll reach for more specific words naturally.

4. Create an “emotion of the week” challenge
Pick one feeling word your child doesn’t use often — maybe grateful or overwhelmed — and see how many times they can use it in context throughout the week. Celebrate when they find moments to use it.

5. Practice with low-stakes daily check-ins
Instead of “How was your day?” (which often gets a shrug), try:

• “What’s one word for how you felt during lunch today?”

• “When did you feel the happiest today?”

• “Was there a moment you felt frustrated? What happened?”

When you make emotional talk part of your regular rhythm, kids are less likely to rely on “I don’t know” and more likely to share openly, because they have both the vocabulary and the confidence to do it.

Creating a Safe Space for Honest Answers

If your child thinks they’ll be scolded, dismissed, or teased, they’ll quickly shut down and “I don’t know” becomes their go-to shield. Building a safe space isn’t about avoiding tough conversations; it’s about showing your child that it’s safe to be real with you, even when the truth isn’t perfect.

1. Keep your cool — even when it’s hard
If your child admits they forgot their homework, broke a rule, or felt jealous of a friend, your reaction will shape what they share next time. Try:

• Take a deep breath before responding.

• Saying, “Thank you for telling me,” before addressing the issue.

When kids see you can handle the truth calmly, they’ll be more willing to offer it.

2. Listen with your whole body
Put down your phone, make eye contact, and show you’re tuned in. Small gestures — nodding, leaning in, mirroring their facial expressions — send the message, I’m here for you.

3. Use gentle follow-ups
Avoid interrogation-style questions that feel like a spotlight. Instead, try:

• “That sounds tricky. Can you tell me more?”

• “What do you mean when you say that?”

• “What happened right before you started feeling that way?”

These open the door without making your child feel trapped.

4. Share your own “imperfect” feelings
Let them hear that you’ve been embarrassed, anxious, or unsure and that those feelings are normal. Saying, “When I was your age, I felt that way too,” can instantly make a child feel less alone.

5. Respect their timing
Some kids just need space before they can talk. If they’re not ready, you might say, “I understand you don’t feel like talking right now. I’m here when you’re ready.” Then follow through by being available later.

When kids know they can be honest without fear of overreaction, lectures, or judgment, “I don’t know” becomes a first step toward the deeper conversation you’ve been hoping for.

Last week, we asked:

Do you think it’s harder to raise a child who always follows the rules — or one who constantly questions them?

🟩 33% — 👂 The rule-follower
🟩 33% — 🗣️ The question-asker
🟨 17% — 😅 Depends on the day!
🟨 17% — 😂 I have one of each

One parent shared this incredibly relatable insight:

It’s a vivid reminder that behind every rule-follower and every spirited question-asker lies a wonderfully complex, endlessly fascinating little human... each with their own ways of keeping us joyfully (and sometimes exhaustingly) on our toes!

We’re asking parents like you to share their thoughts on topics that matter each week! Cast your vote and see what others think! We’ll chat more about the results next week. 👀

• Zones of Regulation
  Developed by a licensed psychologist, this framework (with an app and printable tools) teaches kids to recognize and manage their feelings using color zones — calming, alerting, and more.

• GoZen!
  A platform offering animated programs that teach kids emotional resilience, stress management, and coping skills through engaging lessons and exercises.

• Big Life Journal

  Big Life Journal offers printable journals and activities that help kids explore and express their emotions while building confidence and resilience. Their resources make emotional learning fun and easy to integrate into daily life.

Until Next Week…

“I don’t know” doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation. It can be the start of a deeper one.

With patience, curiosity, and a few simple tools, you can help your child understand and express what’s really going on inside.

Thanks for joining us in raising kind, capable, and confident humans. We’re so glad you’re here.

❤️ Loved this issue? Have thoughts, questions, or topic ideas?

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